I’ve been working down the docks, selling my arse to sailors. It’s not been bad, I’ve been getting an average of £70 a time. That said, I’ve had to give £50 each time to a man who calls himself ‘Cuddles’, or he says he’ll break my ribs. He’s not very nice. Not sure why he’s called ‘Cuddles’, either. He’s probably nine stone dripping wet, and he’s a nasty bastard. He once did a wee in my shoe and made a cat drink it.
That’s not very nice at all, is it?
I didn’t think so.
Anyway, down the docks, there’s no wi-fi. But, I enjoy my job, and sometimes I can afford to buy food. I’m using the wi-fi on board an aircraft carrier that just docked. The crew are using me as a wank sock.